Dear Nicaragua,

I love being with you. You make me feel warm and fuzzy inside. You're beautiful and nice. There are so many interesting and attractive qualities about you. I love each and every moment I share with you. From the very first moment I laid eyes on you I knew we were destined to be together someday. In fact, I think I might want to spend a good portion of the rest of my life with you…but here's the thing…every time I leave you, bad things happen to me. 

Last time I left you I was torn up. I cried and thought of you longingly. Then I had to spend the night on a hard floor in the Atlanta airport cold, hungry, devastated, and alone. I "woke up" (I never really slept) to find my gate assignment had changed and I forgot Atlanta is an hour ahead of Springfield and ran crying through the airport to arrive right as they were getting ready to close the gate for my flight. This time, I had the scariest plane experience of my life. 

Our plane was over the Gulf of Mexico when we hit some turbulence. I have flown quite a few times in my life, so I wasn't bothered by it until we started abruptly falling good distances through the air (the kind where you're rear end isn't actually in contact with your seat anymore) while shaking pretty violently until we jerked back into a normal flying position. This happened several times, but the real kicker was when it felt like an engine failed or part of the wing broke off the left side and the plane twisted hard to the right throwing all loose objects (including people) across the cabin. Of course this was the one time I had decided to get V8 instead of my usual water. My V8 along with my neighbor's coke ended up all over my lap and bag. People were screaming and crying hysterically. I reacted in my usual normal manner by laughing…uncontrollably. I was doing the hardcore ugly laugh. I'm sure everyone around me was seriously questioning my sanity. After getting the terrorizing flashbacks of LOST out of my head, our plane landed and sat on the tarmac for an hour. Now, I am gate hopping trying to follow my flight changes with a beautiful brownish-red stain on my pants....

Nicaragua, please realize I'm not leaving you for good, I just have other things I have to do before I can make the sort of commitment you deserve. No matter how many rivers, mountains, volcanoes, and countries separate us, nothing will stop me from returning to you. I just hope next time I don't have to suffer more than just the feeling of loss I get from our separation.

Thinking of you always,

Me

Life. It's a beautiful thing.

Today I opened my computer to find a conversation on facebook about the decision of whether or not to put down my dog, Justice. This dog has been my loyal companion and one of my best friends since I was five years old. Needless to say, the idea of putting an end to her life made me cry. I really can't remember my life before her and I can't imagine my life knowing she's not there.

This weekend at the beach I met a guy, Manuel, from Puerto Rico. We were discussing traveling and different lifestyles around the world and he said that in life there are different levels of life that each person lives depending on location, economic standing, and opportunity. These levels are bad, okay, good, and excellent. No matter at what level you live your life, that becomes the norm. So, if we always live a good life its not seen as good anymore, it's just normal. If you always live at the level of excellence, you miss out because you're at the top and to experience anything below excellent is a dissapointment. He also said that if you live at a higher norm you are less able to see the beauty of life and appreciate the experiences you have. 

My life is good. Good has become my norm, so sometimes I experience things that initially just hurt. It hurt when I left for college the first time. It hurt when I made mistakes in my life. It hurt when my grandpa got sick. It hurt when I found out one of my best friends is moving away. It hurt when my family went out of town. It hurt when I left Nagarote. It hurt when I found out my friend of sixteen years is probably going to be put down within the next few weeks. Because my life is good, it sometimes takes me a while to find the beauty in the experience.

Life is hard. It can't always be good or excellent. That is absolutely impossible. What I want to do is change my mindset where I can see the beauty in nearly any situation. I always try to tell myself I can do this, but when it comes down to it, most of the things that initially hurt me, still hurt deep down and I tend to hold a tiny glimmer of frustration or resentment for those things that aren't "good" in my life.

I absolutely do not want to condone putting my dog down. The idea of that hurts deep. But she has lived a wonderful, long life and brought incomprehensible joy to me throughout our years together….and that is a beautiful thing.

Los Gusanos

Nicaragua has taught me a lot of things, but more than anything this time Nicaragua has taught me how to laugh. I have not laughed this hard so many days in a row since I was a child. This week I have laughed so hard I have cried multiple times. These people laugh at everything. They're such happy people.

Today, Luis and I went to Comedor Leti in Ojo de Agua. We both ordered fried chicken with plantain chips. I was talking to Luis about the health codes in the US and how a restaurant like that one would not fly in the States because it is someone's house with a dirt floor. That's when Leti came out with our food. It smelled great and I was starving, so I dug in. I ate a few big bites before I saw the meat moving….I took a closer look and there were maggots crawling all over my food….the food I had just ingested. 

It took everything I had to not vomit all over the place. I had just eaten maggots. I felt like they were stuck in my teeth, crawling down my throat, and writhing in my stomach. Leti brought me a new plate of food, but I had definitely lost my appetite.

                                                                                                                                                      

Luis and I just kept laughing in disbelief at what had just happened. On our way back to Las Pilas he made up a song that went "I will neber forget what happen today. I will neber go back to eat the food of Leti again." This made us laugh even harder. That's when Luis said that all you can do is laugh. When life is hard or difficult situations arise, there is nothing to do but laugh.

Over the river and through the woods...

I have spent most of my days here traveling to different communities with a woman named Patricia. Patricia is an odd bird…there is no other way to describe her. We have a lot of fun laughing at all the wrong times. Yesterday we lost it when Irma passed gas. Today, we drove the car into a mud pit and couldn't get out. We tried going forward, backward, and the mud was too deep to walk in, so we sat and laughed until we cried as we nervously ate plantain chips.

We finally got out, thanks to a group of strapping young men, and made our way to the home of Doña Nereys Lopez. Unfortunately, you cannot reach Doña Nereys' house by car, so we walked the rest of the way. We followed a maze of tiny footpaths through the overgrown countryside, along a cliff, through the woods, and across a river to reach Doña Nereys. I felt like I was actually part of that little ditty about a going on a bear hunt or the one that says "to grandmother's house we go." 

Once we reached her home, I realized we had endured all of this to ask Doña Nereys if her children, who are participating in the secondary school scholarship program, were going to join us for the meeting in the afternoon….

Honestly, I don't know if I would have done the same if I had been in Patricia's shoes. I know I have said this before, but I am constantly surprised and amazed at the persistence of these people and also their ability to laugh in the face of obstacles and difficulty. 

Irma

Irma de Jesús contracted a sickness when she was seven years old that left her with a lifelong disability. The left side of her body was severely crippled. She can't move her left arm much, and the muscles and bones in her leg formed in a way that only allows her to walk on her tip toes on her left foot. She limps through her community, San Antonio, with no shoes and no crutch or cane to assist her. She has no husband, but was, as she says, bless with a child sixteen years ago.

When Irma was a girl, her community was hit hard with a polio epidemic. Many people died and there are many that were left even more handicapped than Irma. For example, I met a woman, Amanda, that contracted polio when she was young and her legs never developed. Small, mangled remnants of legs and feet dangle below her skirt as she carries herself on homemade crutches through the nearly impassable streets. Others that survived polio were left deaf and mute.

Irma can't use her full voice, but she can whisper as she sucks air into her lungs. She shared with me the story of her life. Despite all of her misfortunes, Irma is one of the happiest people I have ever met. She greeted me with a laugh, smile, and affection that remained throughout our time together. This woman, left crippled, poor, and alone seemed to love life more than I ever have.

La Fey

I spent over half of my life in the church, most of that time was in the Southern Baptist church. I was one of those kids who judged people hard in the name of Jesus Christ. I loved Vacation Bible School, Jars of Clay, and any church related activities. When I was about 10 years old we began attending a Methodist church. After several more years, my family stopped going to church almost all together. We had unfortunately seen Christianity at its worst throughout the years. We had been part of churches who tried to teach it's children to speak in tongues. We had watched as another church fell into ruin because of a disagreement over the facilities. We had seen countless people who called themselves Christians (literally meaning 'little Christs') act like monsters.

For several years now I have explored my beliefs. While my thoughts are still forming, these are some conclusions I have drawn thus far. I know there has to be something bigger than me because the passion and gifts that I have don't just come from myself. I also don't believe in God in the traditional Christian sense. I believe that "God" is what different people need it to be, but I think ultimately "God" is love, "God" is peace, and "God" is the universe that surrounds us. A Cornell University professor came to William Jewell this past semester and put these thoughts in a much more coherent way. He said that in the US we use the American flag to represent the 300+million people living in our country because we can't possibly comprehend this number in our tiny human brains. Just like the American flag, we use God to represent the ever expanding multiverse because our puny minds can't grasp the enormity of our world or what is beyond it.

This being said, some people need to believe in a more-than-human like creature living in the sky who controls our natural world. For me, I find "God" in humanity. I find "God" when I work with the homeless, with children, with those living in poverty, etc. I believe in something similar to "living a life like Christ" because I believe in living as brothers and sisters in humanity as servants to one another.

This morning I went to the Rainbow office in Nagarote. I was called into a room with three other people. One man began reading a passage from the bible, "Foxes have dens and birds of the sky have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay His head (Matthew 8:20)." As uncomfortable as I am with organized Christianity sometimes, I love the idea of Jesus and I love this passage. Actually I like it even better in the words of Rich Mullins, "Birds have nests and foxes have dens, but the hope of the whole world rests on the shoulders of a homeless man."

Oh man, I have so many things to say about this and I'm not sure it will make any coherent sense, so bear with me…..

So, going back to this morning, after reading this passage the four of us talked about Jesus, God, and the need for faith. A woman I have been working with, Flor de Ly, said that life in Nicaragua is harder than most other places, so the people need a god they can relate to. They need a god that can give them hope. She said that every day parents work hard, but their children still go hungry and that every day there are children who have to deal with things that they are too young to fully understand. She said that there is so much poverty, suffering, and struggle, but God is in their hearts so they can keep going because God gives them hope and a promise of a wonderful eternal life in His kingdom. Flor also said that Christianity is different in the states because we live very fortunate lives, so we need God and the example of Christ to remind us of our brothers and sisters around the world who are not as fortunate.

Afterward, we held hands and prayed. This was the first time I had prayed in this way for a long time (excluding the prayers around the dinner table with my grandparents). Flor thanked God for me and my work, but mostly she thanked him for her riches, meaning her children, her husband, the roof over her head, her job, and the fact that her family has enough food to survive. It was then that I wept. 

I wept for the fact that Flor's riches were what we often take for granted in the States. Our riches are money, a big house, a car for each family member, electronics, and just all of our expensive stuff. I wept because many people claim to strive for a life like Christ, but they forget that Jesus was a homeless dude. He didn't live in a giant house with flat screens and vacation in Cabo. I wept because I don't know how or when we forgot about humanity. When did we lose sight of what is real and important? Our lives are so full of jobs, school, shopping, traveling, etc. that we sometimes forget to love. We sometimes forget what love is, and sometimes we forget to share that love with our brothers and sisters around the world. We sometimes forget that no matter what "God" is for each of us, the truth is that right now in this life all we have is each other

La Hípica

Today is the last day of the fair in Nagarote. On this day is La Hípica where people come from communities all around Nagarote to ride their horses through the streets. Everyone is dressed in plaid with boots, cowboy hats, and spurs. It's basically one giant party in the streets.

This morning I was eating breakfast and Aura Lee and Aura Maria (two women that work at the hostel) asked me if I had met Roberto's wife (Roberto is the hostel owners son). I was confused because I have spent a lot of time with Roberto and knew he had a baby, but no wife. Aura Lee led me to the window and showed me Katrina, Roberto's horse. She said he spends more time with that horse than he does with any person. That has remained a consistent joke throughout the day.

In the afternoon I went with Aura Lee and Aura Maria to watch the parade of horses. We saw everything from small children riding on ponies to men riding giant clydesdales. Today I also learned that horses can dance. Some people have trained their horses to walk with a sidestep so they looked like they were dancing their way down the street.

I got many offers to ride people's horses, but I was a bit hesitant to jump on a full sized horse in shorts and sandals, so I settled for taking an offer from a little boy to ride his pony.

La Feria

Last night I had a small English lesson with the kids that come over. They would say something in Spanish, I would write it in English, and we would practice saying it together. German asked me what "usted tiene" meant, so I told him "you have." Then he asked what "frijoles" was…"beans" and finally "dientes" means teeth. After translating this strange list of words, German looked at me and said, "You have beans teeth"….I had beans in my teeth.

Today I didn't have to work, so I hung out with German and Ezequiel. We walked to the park to buy bootleg movies. The guy selling the movies had taught himself English so we talked for awhile, then German, Ezequiel and I came home and watched The Simpsons.

I spent the rest of the day hanging out with children and the hostel staff. I also went to the fair, which was a blast.

I wish I had something profound to say for today, but I don't. I just had a very enjoyable, restful day.

Car Troubles

When I was a kid I really liked playing MASH with my friends. For those of you who aren't familiar with MASH it is a game of chance where you gamble with your future. This game decides who you marry, how many kids you have, what job you have, your car, your house, where you live, etc. The participant is allowed to choose two answers in each category and the other person adds a horrible choice that fate may choose for you. When it came to my future car, where other kids picked BMW's and Jaguars, I picked an old Saab or an old Volvo. Somehow the stars aligned and I got my dream car when I was sixteen...a 1989 Saab 900 SE. 

I loved that car with all of my heart…even though there was no air conditioning, the radio only worked when it wanted to, and it died about once every few months at the most inconvenient times (in fact, I started carrying a battery charger in my trunk so I could make sure I got to school and back every day). For as long as I can remember I think my Saab, while very beloved, was the most unreliable car my family has owned.

This morning Austin (pronounced owsteen) picked me up in an old Toyota truck. On our way to a rural community, Flor de las Piedras, we got a flat tire, so we turned around and went back to Nagarote to get the tire fixed. Thirty minutes and five dollars later we were on our way to Flor de las Piedras. To reach this community we drove through fields that had brown patches of grass indicating some sort of trail or pathway to the community. Unfortunately, this path was intercepted by a fence being built the same day, so we had to drive over some very rough terrain to get around it. When we finally reached the community the car died and we had another flat tire.

We eventually made it to a neighboring community, La Concha, with a truck full of children for another health day. The truck died three more times during the day and we drove all the way back to Nagarote on a flat tire.

I remember when my Saab died I got so frustrated I would cry and kick the car, which hurt me more than the car. It ruined my entire day when it started out with a portable battery charger and no radio. When we lived through even greater car troubles today I was amazed at the calm and content attitude with which Austin conducted himself. I mentioned to him that car troubles were frustrating and he agreed, but reminded me that when one car, or one way to do things doesn't work, there is always another way to go and that people are always willing to help you find an alternate path you just have to be willing to adapt to the situation. He said sometimes the alternate route will take you somewhere different and teach you something new.

Las Pilas

Today I went to a community called Las Pilas. Rainbow Network was holding another medical clinic and had invited another organization, FamiSalud, to join them in a health day for the community. The day consisted of games, dancing, and activities about eating healthy and washing your hands. It was a great day, but I have to say at one point I was a little uncomfortable watching pre-pubecent children get freaky on the dance floor. I was partially uncomfortable because their moves were a bit obscene, but also because these kids were less than half my age and I couldn't execute those moves if I tried. 

Las Pilas is the current home of Nicole, a girl from the Peace Corps. I had a fantastic time talking to her about her time in Nicaragua and her philosophy on life. I find it very easy to get along with most people I meet in Central America from the United States. For one, I can express myself to the fullest because we can talk in English. I can also usually relate to them because we tend to have similar passions and ideas about the world. That was more true this time than it has been before. Nicole has spent the past two and a half years in Nicaragua and never wants to leave, but she is going to go back to the States in December and start a Masters in Social Work in the fall…which is exactly what I want to do. We spent hours today just talking about life. Here and in the US. 

The last of my time in Las Pilas I spent with adults from the community. Many people believe that individuals and communities in developing nations live in ignorant poverty, but that is not the case. This group of adults were fully aware of their problems and what causes those problems. The difficulty is that they don't have the means to create change.

Another challenge is that you cannot fundamentally change a culture, and many of the obstacles the community faces are brought on by habits of culture. For example, the people in Nicaragua used to eat food wrapped in banana leaves. After eating the food they threw the leaves on the ground. When packaged food entered their lives they ate the food and threw the wrapper on the ground, just like the banana leaf wrapper. There is not an abundant source of information on littering and becoming eco-friendly, so it continues to be a problem. In Las Pilas they are taking initiative to encourage people to put their trash in a trash receptacle,   so today they had cardboard boxes out for trash. It was a valiant effort, but soon the dogs and chickens were knocking the boxes over and pulling the trash out.

I am being beckoned by my friends (all under the age of 15....) Play time!

La excursión

There are many things that I have missed about life in Central America that I didn't realize I missed. I have missed the chirping geckos, the street noises, the friendly greetings, the atmosphere, but most of all I have missed the multiple reality checks I receive each day. 

Today I went on a field trip to Managua with a group of students in secondary school. We went to el palacio national de la cultura, la plaza de la revolutión, el lago de managua, and el parque tiscapa. I had visited most of these places when I was here last, but this time was different. There were a total of 190 students with us from various communities. Most of these students had never been to the city and their eyes were as big as saucers the entire time we were there. Their appreciation of the trip was pretty amazing.

My travel buddies were a mother, Natividad, and her 15-month-old daughter, Karin. Karin was the sweetest little thing I've ever seen. I spent most of the trip with them and on the way home on the bus Natividad was very tired, so I cradled the sleeping Karin all the way to La Paz Centro. There, we switched vehicles and drove a group, including Natividad and Karin, to their homes in Rincón de los bueyes.

During my travels in Central America I have seen a lot of poverty, but this community broke my heart. The dirt road had eroded so much that we could barely drive on it, and actually had to stop at one point and let some people walk the rest of the way home because the road was not in any condition for a car to drive over. The houses in this community were small, most threatening to collapse, and most of the families were quite large. There were also very few trees. The trees they do have are a type called jícaro. They are very short and do not provide much relief from the scorching sun. The children in this community have to walk a long way to school in the heat and on the rough roads in shoes that are less than sufficient.

It is at times like these that I think about my three story, air-conditioned house full of stuff and is surrounded by large maple trees, my air-conditioned car that I use to get around, and the countless other conveniences to which I have access. When I think about all I have I wonder why I don't do more for people like Natividad and why this is what it takes to make me realize that.

La Palma

I don't know what it is about Central America that gives me a complete sense of calm. Maybe its the beautiful people. Maybe its the beautiful country. Maybe its the lack of a stressful lifestyle. I don't know, but I'm not complaining.

I flew into Managua and was met by Jessinia, a woman who works in La Paz Centro which is one of Rainbow Networks offices. She brought me to Nagarote where I will be staying for two weeks in a great hostel. 

This morning Jessinia picked me up and we went to a community called La Palma. We spent all day there holding a medical clinic, passing out micro loans, and talking with the school children.

The medical clinic was stationed in a sparse community center where families gathered to meet with the doctor and get their medicine. During this time I sat on the porch with the women of the community and asked them about their lives and needs as we all sat fanning away the gnats.

I then walked next door to the school to talk to the children and teachers about the materials they need in order to provide a good education. The first thing they told me was more teachers. Each teacher in La Palma is responsible for multiple grades. Because of this, the students don't always get the attention they need. Jessinia and the mothers told me that the lack of attention and supplies sometimes means that the kids don't learn necessary cognitive skills, how to read, or how to write. In addition to this, school supplies here are almost as expensive here as they are in the states so most of what they have is donated. They gave me an unending list of materials they need for school. Hopefully I can take this list back to the states and help them get the supplies they need.

Afterward I walked around the community and saw an old woman grab a chicken by the neck and swing it around her head like a lasso until it's neck broke. Then, she watched it die, grabbed it by the wing, and took it inside to prepare it for dinner. I also met a young man, Rafael, who was born with a mental disability. He laughed and clapped his hands a lot, then he looked at me, said "bonita" and held my hand as we walked together until I had to go to the bathroom. The bathroom was outdoors and had a few patterned bricks with holes in them. As I did my business, Rafael popped his head up in front of the open bricks and laughed really loud. I was so startled I nearly fell in the hole.

The last part of the day in La Palma we handed out money to the individuals who receive micro loans. As they were handed their envelopes they had to introduce themselves, state how they are using the money, and make a promise that they will repay the loan. The recipients of the micro loans work in solidarity to ensure all of the loans are repaid on time.

Yet again I am amazed and in awe of the people in Nicaragua. I can't wait to see what is in        store tomorrow.

Here We Go Again

As a child I loved being the boss. "They" say this is a typical characteristic for oldest children and I was not an exception. When my little sister and I were both under the age of ten I would often write up contracts and hold conferences with my sister in my room in order to create a treaty to end our adolescent bickering. I would have her sit on the other side of my desk (a stepping stool) as I read the terms of agreement and we would both sign at the bottom. As you would expect, these treaties never lasted long and there was soon yelling, crying, and two little girls being sent to their rooms.

Throughout the years I have begun to learn how to control my control problem. I can work under stressful conditions, step up to the plate, and do what I need to do. I can also relax and go with the flow. These two attributes don't always get along. It is hard to be flexible in some situations and others cannot be controlled, but I am slowly learning to recognize when to step up and when to let go.

I leave for Nicaragua in a matter of hours. I am going completely alone and will be doing internship work in communities with very few English speakers. The work I am doing there has a general objective, but I will have to figure most of it out as I go. I'm also not positive where I will being staying or where I will be going, and didn't know the dates of my trip until about a week ago. This has, and will continue to take a certain about of flexibility.

Preparing for a trip abroad requires work, especially when you're used to your parents being a support system during this process and they are out of the country. There are so many details that you have to remember and you have to check and recheck your packing list, itinerary, assorted affairs at home, etc. This takes planning and control.

What I am learning from this situation is that a simple signed treaty won't fix all of the problems. There must also be cooperation, compromise, and an open mind (it also helps if you aren't trying to compromise with a stubborn little sister). I hope I can continue to utilize each of these attributes during my trip to make it the best experience for myself and the people I encounter.