Help! I'm stuck and I can't get out!

I'm having problems. Not a kind to be fixed by a doctor, handyman, or a cold drink. The kind of problem I have is one that has no name. Its a feeling. A locked-in-a-box-two-sizes-too-small kind of feeling….and, taking after my father, I am an extremely claustrophobic person, so I don't like it too well.

Its not a secret that I spent last semester abroad exploring the world and my inner self with amazing opportunities, people, and freedoms. I felt like I could fly as free as a bird. Now, however, I have forcibly regressed into a state of claustrophobia brought on by certain institutions and accepted thought.

Lets begin the dissection of my current mindset with said institutions. I have been afforded the fantastic opportunity to attend a fine educational institution for the past few years. My college is one of the top in the nation for it's Nonprofit Leadership undergraduate degree. I have access to over 6,000 nonprofits and foundations in the area from which to glean top of the line experience. Sounds perfect, right? Well, here's the claustrophobic part. After my experiences last semester I find it hard to live in the "Jewell Bubble" as it has been named. I went from running my life part way across the world to spending each and every day on the hill with the same small group of individuals from the Bible Belt strapped midwest. I don't want to be "that girl" who thinks she's better than everyone else because of her vast knowledge of the world, but some things I see and hear around my campus and among my peers cause me to bite my tongue so hard it threatens to fall off. I might feel less spiteful if I had a little bit of time away from all of this each day to recollect myself and look at the bright side…but I am required to live on campus in this tired, tiny radius for the entirety of my college career. I think it might be difficult for Ghandi to stay calm, collected, and completely accepting if he never got a break from it.

Am I right in these thoughts and feelings that run through my mind every day? Absolutely not, and do not claim to be. I'm struggling with how to love the people around me and live happily in my current situation. How can I be an effective nonprofit leader and live up to what I want to become if I can't love and accept the people living next door? I don't have the answer…do you? (because if you do and could solve all of my problems that would save me a lot of time and also if that is the case then you should maybe look into how you can channel those absolute superpowers into fixing something greater than me…like world hunger or peace or something…)

The second area that is a large cause of claustrophobia is accepted thought in my generation, and especially in this area of the country. The apathetic and somewhat self-centered nature plaguing our world, and especially my generation, is an obstacle that is hard to overcome. No one will do anything unless they are receiving something tangible in return. This is personally hard for me to deal with productively when my life, internships, campus job, and position as the newly elected Nonprofit Leadership Association President requires me to constantly do the work that others refuse to care about…not to mention it is the one thing that gets me so pumped that I feel like I might explode so when people make excuses or just outwardly do not give a damn I feel an unreasonable sense of betrayal and anger.

Oh and also, I don't find the word "retarded" funny or racist jokes humorous.

I know that I'm no better than anyone else. I know that I could care less about things that other people love. I also know that there is no magical place where I will completely leave my tiny box of claustrophobia and find myself in nonprofit and complete awareness heaven….I'm just having problems that have no diagnosis or simple solution….I just feel stuck.


*Artwork by my beautifully talented sister, Carsen Miller.

My Attempt at Shameless Self-Promotion

I have recently learned in my Business Seminar class that an entrepreneurial characteristic I need to strengthen is my shameless self-promotion...so here it goes...

On Friday I was an honoree at the William Jewell College Celebration of Honors ceremony. I was recognized among numerous other remarkable individuals of the Jewell Community.

The first award I share with my roommate and great friend, Paige Vansickle:

Read the WJC Hilltop Monitor Article 

The second I received to fund my internship with the Rainbow Network in Springfield and Nicaragua this summer:

Read the WJC Hilltop Monitor Article

Disclaimer: The Hilltop Monitor is kind of notorious for its inaccuracies. Not all information in these articles is necessarily correct, so if you feel inspired to know more about either project I am always eager and willing to talk about them.

Calvin

This weekend I accompanied a small group of individuals in painting the interior of a house off of Troost Street in Kansas City. The house belonged to a man named Calvin who is deaf, blind and unable to speak. We had the opportunity to meet Calvin before he was taken out of the house and I could not get Calvin out of my head as I worked or since then.

Calvin was born blind and deaf. He is also an African-American who grew up during the civil rights era. Calvin's parents died while he was still very young, so here was this young, deaf and blind black kid with no family and no one who was willing to take care of him. Calvin was sent to various institutions until he had the great fortune of attending the Helen Keller Learning Center in New York. When Calvin returned from NY, he had no home or place to go, so he ended up living on the streets. Finally, he was found by individuals who helped him find a home which he now owns, and has for thirteen years. Calvin is forty-six years old.

As I painted this man's home I almost came to tears. I can only imagine how difficult it would be to be bind or to be deaf…but blind AND deaf….I don't know how I would survive. Granted, that is all Calvin has known. It would be a different story for me to lose my sight and hearing after being blessed with it for twenty-one years. Calvin will never know the beauty of a sunset, will never know how gorgeous his home has become, and will never be able to communicate what he does know about or what he thinks about.

Here is another devastating part of the story. Calvin is just now, at 46 years old, learning how to somewhat communicate. He never had the money, nor the opportunity to learn to communicate. The only way he knows that it is time to do something is by the objects placed in his hands. When its time to eat, he is given a plate. When it is time to sleep, he is handed pajamas. He knows these objects by their shape and texture. So, other people can communicate something to Calvin, but the other way around is more complicated and nearly impossible.

Calvin doesn't know how to tell someone that he doesn't feel good, that he is hungry, that he needs…well, anything. He doesn't know about life and death. He doesn't know where the people that have been in his life have gone. He doesn't know what the world is like. He lives in a life of darkness. 

I may be making this way more negative than it needs to be…that particular way of life is all he knows and he may be absolutely content with it…I was just hit hard today with the knowledge of how incredibly fortunate I am. I have no birth defects, I was born in a free country, I come from a middle-class white family who loves me more than anything, I have had the opportunity to attend exceptional educational institutions….I really can't complain about anything.

Rachel, a twenty-four year old from the Troost/Paseo area of Kansas City, worked with us this weekend. Rachel has been working with Calvin for four years. She has appointed herself as Calvin's family since he has none. Rachel is currently working on her MBA in Nonprofit Administration. Inspired by her friend, Rachel wants to start a home for mentally handicapped individuals in her neighborhood. The individuals who cannot afford to be taken care of.

People like Calvin and Rachel inspire me. They have so much less and do so much more with it. I don't know how many times I will have to be amazed by and reminded of this, but it really is awe-inspiring and makes you think.