Help! I'm stuck and I can't get out!

I'm having problems. Not a kind to be fixed by a doctor, handyman, or a cold drink. The kind of problem I have is one that has no name. Its a feeling. A locked-in-a-box-two-sizes-too-small kind of feeling….and, taking after my father, I am an extremely claustrophobic person, so I don't like it too well.

Its not a secret that I spent last semester abroad exploring the world and my inner self with amazing opportunities, people, and freedoms. I felt like I could fly as free as a bird. Now, however, I have forcibly regressed into a state of claustrophobia brought on by certain institutions and accepted thought.

Lets begin the dissection of my current mindset with said institutions. I have been afforded the fantastic opportunity to attend a fine educational institution for the past few years. My college is one of the top in the nation for it's Nonprofit Leadership undergraduate degree. I have access to over 6,000 nonprofits and foundations in the area from which to glean top of the line experience. Sounds perfect, right? Well, here's the claustrophobic part. After my experiences last semester I find it hard to live in the "Jewell Bubble" as it has been named. I went from running my life part way across the world to spending each and every day on the hill with the same small group of individuals from the Bible Belt strapped midwest. I don't want to be "that girl" who thinks she's better than everyone else because of her vast knowledge of the world, but some things I see and hear around my campus and among my peers cause me to bite my tongue so hard it threatens to fall off. I might feel less spiteful if I had a little bit of time away from all of this each day to recollect myself and look at the bright side…but I am required to live on campus in this tired, tiny radius for the entirety of my college career. I think it might be difficult for Ghandi to stay calm, collected, and completely accepting if he never got a break from it.

Am I right in these thoughts and feelings that run through my mind every day? Absolutely not, and do not claim to be. I'm struggling with how to love the people around me and live happily in my current situation. How can I be an effective nonprofit leader and live up to what I want to become if I can't love and accept the people living next door? I don't have the answer…do you? (because if you do and could solve all of my problems that would save me a lot of time and also if that is the case then you should maybe look into how you can channel those absolute superpowers into fixing something greater than me…like world hunger or peace or something…)

The second area that is a large cause of claustrophobia is accepted thought in my generation, and especially in this area of the country. The apathetic and somewhat self-centered nature plaguing our world, and especially my generation, is an obstacle that is hard to overcome. No one will do anything unless they are receiving something tangible in return. This is personally hard for me to deal with productively when my life, internships, campus job, and position as the newly elected Nonprofit Leadership Association President requires me to constantly do the work that others refuse to care about…not to mention it is the one thing that gets me so pumped that I feel like I might explode so when people make excuses or just outwardly do not give a damn I feel an unreasonable sense of betrayal and anger.

Oh and also, I don't find the word "retarded" funny or racist jokes humorous.

I know that I'm no better than anyone else. I know that I could care less about things that other people love. I also know that there is no magical place where I will completely leave my tiny box of claustrophobia and find myself in nonprofit and complete awareness heaven….I'm just having problems that have no diagnosis or simple solution….I just feel stuck.


*Artwork by my beautifully talented sister, Carsen Miller.